I must be too annoying 4 u.
if only i could text you this smell
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
