My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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