She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am available for nakedness
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
