you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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