I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We need to get me chipped asap
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
