3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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