I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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