He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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