thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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