tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
