I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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