It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
