there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
