What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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