So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
