I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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