$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize