So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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