My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
