he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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