if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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