textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
