theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
