A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
