Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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