DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
