I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
