I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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