my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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