I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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