the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
