Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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