just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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