Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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