No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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