Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
