I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
