If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
