dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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