I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
