This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This house was built for laser tag.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
