I met the friendliest cop last night
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
