I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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