"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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