I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
