He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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