my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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