You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
