After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
