i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
No subtext here. People are naked.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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