good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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