is your mom at the bar?
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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