So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
