i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
