The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
