i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
