I skipped work to stalk him.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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