she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
