thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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