I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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